The Dream Café

Steven Brust: “A masterful storyteller of contagious glee and self-deprecating badassery” —Skyler White

On Not Seeing Fantastic Four

| 21 Comments

Every once in a while, Hollywood pulls in all its resources, organizes itself, and everything comes together to create a perfect movie to skip. Last night, I really enjoyed not seeing Fantastic Four. I can’t tell you any details about it (because, you know, I didn’t see it), but I can say that I’ve rarely had such a wonderful time not seeing a movie.  Now, I admit, I was a little worried before not going into the theater.  I had earlier not seen Ant Man and I still have sort of mixed feelings about it.  Would not seeing this be more rewarding?  Well, I shouldn’t have concerned myself–from the time the lights didn’t go out, I knew I was exactly where I wanted to be.
 
It opened with me not being there, and I was instantly enthralled.  To be fair, there was a moment about half an hour in where I regretted not having any popcorn, but then I remembered that I had my own popcorn. I made it, and from then on, not seeing the movie was simply an utter delight.  By the time the movie was over, all I could do was sit there and say, “Wow.  And I still haven’t seen it.”  I assure you, this is an experience I’m going to not carry with me for the rest of my life.
 
I understand we all have different tastes, but if you’re like me, then you must not pass up your chance to not see Fantastic Four. I promise, you won’t be disappointed.
skzb

Author: skzb

I play the drum.

21 Comments

  1. As someone who did see this film, I can whole-heartedly concur with Steve’s assessment.

  2. What a coincidence! Last night I, too, did not see this film and made myself popcorn anyways. I heartily second Steve’s recommendation.

  3. skzb

    Aw, man. If I’d known you were planning to not see it last night, we could have made arrangements to skip it together. Must plan better in the future.

  4. Having just consumed a sour patch watermelon slurpee while not going to fantastic four, I wholeheartedly concur on the entire nonexperience.

  5. Sounds from the reviews like we’re missing out on what could just be the worst superhero movie ever made.

  6. skzb

    I have trouble believing it could be as bad as The Green Hornet. It will remain a great regret of my life that I missed my chance to not see that one.

  7. Great description of a non event. I too have missed seeing those movies.

  8. When I didn’t see it, it was no big deal. I would be better off with more of that youthful enthusiasm like you have.

  9. You are not alone. You not different. In this aspect you are One Of Us. I think the taste of this movie is pretty homogeneous. There is a lot of talk on social and traditional media into how shit this movie is, to the point that it transcends politics, class or race almost to the point that the quality of this movie is turning into not a wide held opinion but a universal absolute. The fascinating thing is that you can judge the quality of it from the trailers. Fox put out some dumb things but this, this required the collective brain stroke of some higher ups to greenlight this turd sandwich (AND I believe they have approved a sequel). They must have been smoking some serious hydroponically grown shit when they wrote this. Superhero movie reboots are usually better (or at least slightly less dumb) than the predecessors and this reverses that trend. The 2005 movie wasn’t great but it was ok and entertaining so long as you left your brain the car. Its sequel was stupid (Galactus as some kind of giant space vortex??) and very forgettable. But this thing on the screen that the moment? I fear if you watch it, I feel you cannot unsee it. I’ll wait until the DVD comes out in the bargain bin at my local grocery store (if market forces are pure and true, that should be on Monday) and then I will not buy it. Do not want to have my childhood memories of reading the Fantastic Four comics destroyed by watching this alleged War Crime.

    Finally it really upsets me when I think of professional movie critics have to sacrifice 2 hours of so of their mortal lives to watch this piece of shit.

    PS. I’ve heard good things about Ant-Man. People have said it’s a good movie. Not fantastic, but good.

    PPS. This rant has been good therapy for me.

  10. Admittedly I’m a bit obsessed with not seeing superhero movies. Whenever a new one comes out, I’m always the first in line to not see it. Sometimes I don’t see the same movie once or twice or even five times. I even take it a step further and don’t buy them when they come out on DVD.

  11. Ant-man: As someone who didn’t read comic books growing up, I had no clue who the hell ant-man was. But we were on family vacation and needed a cool break and there was a really tiny historic theater in town. The only show time that worked for our schedule was Ant-man. It was a lot of fun to watch, plenty of comedy. Not a classic by any means, but fun.

    I too have enjoyed not watching Fantastic Four.

  12. With any luck, I have many years of not seeing Fantastic Four ahead of me!

    …but I too enjoyed Antman. Michael Pena’s monologues, hilarious! Everyone else, workman-like and amusing! If you have something better to not do, you might want to reconsider not seeing that one.

  13. On a side note — I have just finished a re-read of all the Dragaeran novels available in electronic format, as well as the version of ‘The Three Musketeers’ that contributed to the translations of the works of the estimable Paarfi.

    I seem to recall hints, some months ago, that the earlier Vlad books might someday be available in electronic form — may I respectfully inquire whether there has been any progress in that direction?

    The experience of reading Three Musketeers and Phoenix Guards back to back was interesting, in part because if I have encountered the unabridged Dumas before it has been rarely, and long ago. I have the impression that while the language in the Paarfi books is reminiscent of the Musketeers translation in question, the personalities of the Phoenix Guards harmonize better with the commoner Dumas abridgements and movie depictions.

    I suppose some of the differences may be related to life experience — regardless of biological maturation, a Dragaeran at a century has 80 years more experience in the world than a human at 20. I must confess, D’Artagnan grated a bit: I was not fond of 20 year old jocks even when I was 20 myself.

  14. skzb

    I have a signed a contract with Ace for the e-pub of the early Vlad books. Presumably, they’re in production, but I don’t know how long the process takes.

  15. Excellent news!

  16. Sometime when you are not in a mood for such mainstream blockbusters, you can skip seeing the quirky horror film, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter”. While it is not as well known as the “Fantastic Four”, a night skipping that film is a night well spent.

  17. skzb

    Thanks for the recommendation.

  18. I had the unfortunate experience of having seen the Fantastic Four movie. It was bad, but “The Spirit” I still hands down the worst super hero movie that I’ve seen, not counting the original unreleased Roger Corman Fantastic Four, which I managed to get a bootlegged copy of and watched. That film was truly a monumental heap of crap, but I have to give it a break, since it was made solely so that the studio could keep the rights, and they had the compassion to make sure that 99 percent of the world’s population have been unable to watch it.

  19. Excellent non-review that caused chuckles and snorts into the morning coffee. I too am occasionally ambivalent about my not watching blockbuster movies, but there are some I feel very confident that not-seeing is a judicious use of time.

  20. Well, on the flip side of the coin, the Daredevil netflix series I thought was freakin’ awesome, probably one of the best comic book dramatizations, ever, if not THE best!

    Charlie Cox as Matt Murdock / Daredevil was crisp and real.

    Vincent D’Onofrio as Wilson Fisk/Kingpin was pure genius!!!

    The entire series, start to finish was just superb, with a gritty New York City-esque realism that I have never seen brought to life before in any comic series, especially meaningful to myself, being from NYC… and my eldest brother used to live in Hell’s Kitchen, so I know those streets, or at least, a shadow of them.

  21. Totally agree on Daredevil. The hallway fight scene in the second episode has the best choreography I have seen in any medium, and the acting and storytelling is strong throughout.

    As a current resident of New York, though, it is clearly a fantasy Hell’s Kitchen that bears little resemblance to the “Clinton” of today, or even the Hell’s Kitchen I remember from 20 years ago. So many 3-6 story buildings! Empty lots! Working docks… huh!

    Still, it works for the story, and that is good enough for me! After all, my Hell’s Kitchen didn’t get re-modeled by super heroes and an alien invasion. Just real estate developers like Ratner and Wilson Fisk…

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