The Dream Café

Steven Brust: “A masterful storyteller of contagious glee and self-deprecating badassery” —Skyler White

How would Vlad do against Dumbledore?

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Um.  I have no idea.  Nor do I know why anyone would ask.   But it’s happening, sort of.  Del Ray Spectra is doing, uh, something arcane that involves a series of imaginary cage matches between various fictional characters.

I’ve been given two links:  This one, which seems to be broken; and this one, which appears to work.

Maybe someone can explain it to me.

Edited to Add:  Guess I misunderstood.  The first link won’t be working until Wednesday.

Edited to Add: The actual link is live now.  Find it here.

corwin

Author: corwin

Site administrative account, so probably Corwin, Felix or DD-B.

0 Comments

  1. I suppose that a cage match is marginally better than slash.

  2. I’m just wondering why they’re spelling Vlad’s family name with an “i”…

  3. That’s all very odd. Let me ignore the nonsense of it a moment and try to take it serious.

    Some of the match ups don’t make very much sense. It makes it especially hard.

    /serious hat

    Depends on if Vlad has Spellbreaker or Godslayer and if the magic from the Harry Potter series is similar to sorcery in the Taltos books, I’d imagine if Godslayer and magic is magic then it would be match to Vlad.

    Otherwise, if it’s Spellbreaker or if the magic is different than point Dumbledore.

    That would be in a fair fight.

    If it’s no rules…then “No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.”

    /serious hat

  4. I’ve heard of “who’d win?” arguments of Star Trek vs. Star Wars, but this is taking it to a whole new level. This one is so absurd it’s funny.

    Though if it actually came down to it, it depends on which version of Vlad. Jhereg-era, Kragar enrolls in Hufflepuff and Dumbledore is found dead under the Whomping Willow three weeks later, with evidence suggesting a tragic accident that occurred while the headmaster was raiding his secret stash of booze kept under the Willow’s roots. Post-Phoenix, Vlad sneaks around doing the homework to get the big picture; recruits Hermione Granger, Hiro Protagonist, and Harry Dresden; the four of them use blackmail, dirty tricks, and death threats to rig the competition for a more constructive set of matchups; they introduce Dumbledore to Ged, Gandalf, and Aslan so the heavy hitters can put Cthulhu back to bed after they use the Elder God to neutralize the Shrike.

  5. When something is puzzling, look at who gains from it. This has the potential to be useful on at least two levels for Del Ray.

    It creates some buzz – see, it’s happening here – which draws eyeballs to their site. A publisher’s web department doesn’t have many ways to show that it’s making some impact, so a page view count may be considered important in the on-going battle with the beancounters.

    I’d never heard of some of the participants, so I looked a little deeper just to see who they were. The first few unknowns I found were from stuff that I’ve never read and don’t want to, such as Robert Jordan, so it didn’t set me looking for any new books. However, some people will doubtless be interested in the character bios they find, and buy an extra book or two. Can’t blame Del Ray for trying.

    Matching characters in the cage-matches to publishers, to see if Del Ray is trying to leverage the fame of well-known fantasy series they don’t publish to bost ones they do own would be paranoid.

  6. I think Vlad would cook him a nice dinner, because he tends to save his wrath for deserving targets and what’s Dumbledore done to offend him?

  7. Arrested adolescence.

  8. The answer is obvious. Batman always wins.

  9. Max @4: That was brilliant.

    John @5: I’m somewhat embarrassed that there are only two of those names I didn’t recognize…and one of them turned out to be from a series I’d read, after all. I think you’re more or less right, though. It’s like a newspaper on a slow day. You have to fill the space, whether there’s something worth talking about or not.

  10. Vlad hires Kiera to steal Dumbledore’s wand, and then it’s all over.

  11. I like to think that as Loiosh is ‘getting some’ regularly, he’d have a heart and talk Vlad out of gutting Dumblebore for having such a cutesy name.

  12. Ben— according to The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, the eventual winner of “everybody fights everybody” is Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater. This is because Batman is taken out early by Chuck Norris.

  13. Vlad’s totally going to take Dumbledore. What is irking me at the moment is that Conan is whupping Harry Dresden.

  14. My biggest curiosity is where this fits in Mr. Brust’s theory of cool stuff.

  15. The seedings for this seem totally off-kilter to me. Okay, I can marginally see Dumbledore getting a higher seed than Vlad, being old and experienced and all that.

    But how is Hermione Granger seeded 18 to Vlad’s 22? That’s just silly.

    The only reason I can think of that Vlad would be seeded so low is that everyone is operating on the assumption that Vlad would simply put on his Phoenix stones, take flight, and lose by default.

    Which, come to think of it, is probably exactly what would happen, barring some VERY compelling reason for him to participate in the thing.

  16. Is Del Rey trying to attract superhero comics market? You know “Because You Demanded It – Batman vs. Captain America !”

  17. Well, since Cthulhu could take out eveyone else on that list without bothering to wake up, this is a pointless bracket.

    But I guess it’s good that Vlad was included.

  18. It also seems blatantly unfair to pick the powerful sorcerer types out of one series to face the less-powerful protagonist characters from another series.

    Sure, Vlad’s going to have trouble going up against Gandalf. But how well would Frodo do against Sethra Lavode?

  19. Wow, throwing Aslan and Cthulhu in there really mixes things up a lot (some great Aslan strategies in the comments, lol).

    But while acknowledging I’m not objective (I’m here, aren’t I?), too many people seeing Vlad in the bracket don’t know how he’s currently equipped–Vlad the Assassin goes down quick in that bracket, Vlad And His New Best Friend are a legitimate threat to anyone in the competition.

  20. I think it’s unfair to have Vlad “fight” against Dumbledore, seriously, it’d be like asking Vlad to kick around Noish-pa. Why not Raistlin Majere? I think spending a half-an-hour with him would make anyone want to kill him, even Lady Telda.

    Oh, and I’m bummed that Anita Blake and Edward Cullen are not poetically duking it out in the first round. I happily envision neither one surviving it.

  21. Looks like the economic situation in America has given many the opportunity to sit and contemplate this sort of shit.

    *tries to retract head below shoulders, arms defensively in the air, looking up in cringe position*

  22. Just odd. And the synopsis of how the fights will go down are just awful. Dumbledore and Vlad seem like they may just play jacks to determine the winner and then get on with their lives.

  23. What’s a little disconcerting is that I know who all of those characters are… But if it’s toe to toe, only Vlad has a god-killing weapon. Dumbledore is toast at the point of Lady Telda.

  24. At the risk of being the worst kind of nerd: Howzabout tossing Lobo of DC comics into that mix? Makes almost as much sense as the rest of it. Although the old “Celebrity Death Match” claymation ala Mtv could be fun to watch, with enough liquor tossed in the mess.

  25. Ok folks, the first link is up. I went there this morning and, right now, Dumbledore is winning.

    Get in there and vote for your favorite Easterner Assassin!

    This, by the way, is a very entertaining site, in the “I am such a nerd/geek for participating in this” way. If you haven’t checked it out. Do so.

  26. Save Vlad! It’s not looking good 🙁

  27. What is it with Vlad and undead wizards?

  28. I’ve never seen the picture they’re using for Vlad before. It’s very good I think. Not quite how I imagined him. But pictures rarely are exactly how one imagines someone.

  29. Would either of them actually consent to fight each other? It seems to me that Dumbledore would have better things to do, and someone would need to hire Vlad, and the only person who would want to do that would be maybe Draco Malfoy or Voldemort himself. I doubt Vlad would want to work for those two. They’re not professional enough.

  30. I can’t believe Dumbledore is winning…Vlad would crush him.

    That being said, I got Arthur Dent going all the way! Not even Vlad could manage to kill Dent.

  31. I’m pretty sure either Aslan or Cthulhu will take the game. They’ll take their respective divisions, then go head to head; whichever comes out on top in that fight will take the whole thing.

  32. Nolly @31: One of the comments on-site came to that fight, saying Aslan would give his life to defeat Cthulhu, but some Deeper Magic would bring him back in time for the finals. 🙂

  33. I’m reposting the comment I made on the other site here for people who will only read the comments on one of the sites.

    Anyone who’s read both series has to give this one to Vlad. Ignoring everything else, Dumbledore only uses non-lethal tactics on a guy who tortures his lackeys for fun, Vlad would destroy someone’s soul if that’s what it took to survive. Yes Dumbledore could drop an elephant on Vlad’s head if he immediately realized Vlad’s magic immunity, but it’s just not something Dumbledore would do.
    Unfortunately, it seems Vlad is going to lose the poll, most likely due to uninformed voters and the inaccurate description/prediction. As a result I decided to come up with a scenario where Dumbledore would win taken into account my interpretation of both characters. We’ll keep it in Dumbledore’s office, I think it counts as his home, but since I highly doubt Dumbledore is a member of the Organization those rules do not necessarily protect him. I haven’t yet got a chance to read the latest Vlad book so I apologize if anything seems inaccurate as a result.

    Vlad enters the office through one of the windows in Castle Black. Dumbledore sits at his desk, he claps his hands as the assassin enters and two steaming cups appear. “Welcome, Count Taltos. I asked the House Elves to find a recipe for Klava and I must say I am becoming quite fond of your world’s beverage. I suspect it will become quite popular as exams approach.” Vlad remains silent and motionless so Dumbledore continues. “I trust you’ll find your cup just the way you like it. I prefer mine with a bit more honey, but I believe the House Elves have already prepared it to your tastes. Or would you prefer some peach brandy? I try to keep the alcohol at Hogwarts to a minimum, but I normally try to keep out assassins so today I seem to be breaking as many rules as my favorite students.” Dumbledore claps again and two glasses appear but they remain untouched. “It’s not like you to accept work on a human, but I suppose your Demon Goddess can be quite persuasive. I know you will not back out of a contract easily but I required a suitable incentive and I knew just the room to look for it.” Dumbledore gestures to the Pensieve in the corner. “That contains all of the memories She has ever taken from you.

    Vlad steps toward the Pensieve. He hesitantly raises his hand to his amulet.
    “Boss are you sure this is a good idea?”
    “Of course not.”
    “Right boss.”

    A few minutes later Vlad puts his amulet back on and steps back through Morrolan’s window. The window closes and a girl with brown eyes steps out of the shadows. “Yuck. I think that one was earwax.”

  34. Here’s my take:
    Vlad is a no show. As he’s off on holiday, summons don’t reach him in time, and, honestly, why would he bother trotting openly into a highly publicized cage match?
    Dumbledore arrives and is instantly knifed between the shoulder blades. The match officials look about carefully and realize that Kragar has acted for Vlad. The officials are less than pleased; by proxy competitors are not allowed. The Phoenix Guards arrive to haul Kragar away, but can’t find him.
    The match officials then make an edict to ban all Jhereg from further games. Before they can cast their vote, they are all stuck down and killed.
    Exasperated, the Phoenix Guards return. They dutifully search for clues before announcing, “Mario did it.”

  35. Who wins in a fight between a tiger and a shark?

    It depends upon whose territory the fight takes place.

  36. Epilogue: “The happy ending so everyone can sleep at night.”

    Everyone is revivified. (Kragar politely missed D’s spine.)
    The match officials each wake the next morning in his or her own bed. There is, however, a dead teckla on every pillow.
    Dumbledore wakes to a pouch of lemon drops on his pillow and a formal invitation to visit Dzur Mountain.

  37. hahaha great fun. after going over to the site and reading about vlads tragic end as a stuffed toy, i imediatly went over to the room of my step sister, (AKA HP fan addict) and proceeded to give her a piece of my mind. Then we sat down and came to the conclusion that wizard Ged is a pretty awsome guy.

  38. Max @ 4 – I don’t know if the people who put this together thought about the possibility that some of the participants might band together.

    Sharon C @ 20 – I’m with you on this one. I don’t know how they have Anita Blake beating Polgara…REALLY?!?!

    I have to go with the general opinion that Dumbledore wouldn’t be willing to enter such a tournament in a first place. Though I like SharonC’s take on it. and of course, we are all baised toward our favorite characters.

    P.S. I first “heard” about these matches on Jim Butcher’s tweets and finally had to go check it out. He’s thrilled that Dresden got matched with Conan even if they do predict Harry to lose.

  39. re: Anita vs. Polgara

    It’s simple, really. Anita is a total Mary Sue; LKH will simply give her whatever powers she needs to win.

  40. @ Nolly….LMAO.. So true.

  41. A couple last thoughts before I quit:
    Kordath @ 33: I love your version. It’s poetic that Vlad would get his memories back from the Pensieve. However, how did Dumbledore get them from Verra? You know he can’t get the best of her, so what kind of alliance did they make? I mistrust their motives and one can only assume they’re both trying to manipulate Vlad.

    And: Did Ged have to send his robes to the cleaners to get all the glitter out?

  42. Sharon C. @ 41: I’m glad that you liked it. I had Dumbledore getting Vlad’s memories with the help of both Devera and the Room of Requirement. Why Devera would get involved probably won’t be revealed for quite some time.

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