Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they will be taught to rend.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will bite the heads off those who are to blame.
Blessed are the meek, for they do not step on our tails.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they go stomping around devouring all the righteousness out there, fer realz.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall kill tonight’s dinner quickly.
Blseesed are the pure in heart, for they don’t mind killing tonight’s dinner quickly.
Blessed are the peacemakers, because they keep those mean, nasty old T-Rexes away from us.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, because nothing is more fun than rending and devouring persecutors. I mean, who doesn’t love that?
— Second Church of Christ, Velociraptor.