An Open Letter To My Editor

Dear Editor:

It has now been over an hour since I sent my [email/query/story submission/250 thousand word novel] and I have heard nothing. Nothing. I now understand Lee’s frustration at Gettysburg when Stuart didn’t show up.  Has there been a fire? Has someone died? If so, I’d think you could at least drop me a note explaining the delay. It is almost as if there are things you do that don’t involve me. In fact, I could almost believe that I am not the most important person in the world to you. No, I don’t accuse you of that; but can you see how you might be giving that impression?

Have you considered what would happen if everyone behaved the way you are? I would have to learn deferred gratification. And, as you know, deferred gratification is a slippery slope that can lead to me not getting everything I want.

Now that I’ve explained, I trust the reply will be instantly forthcoming.

Sincerely Yours,

Joe “Center of the Universe” Writer


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I play the drum.

18 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Editor”

  1. Publisher:Hey look its the new book from Steven Brust. I better look at that to see how awesome it is.
    Narrator:Publisher opens e-mail. Publisher stares in amazement for 5 minutes. Publisher faints due to overexposure to pure awesomeness.
    Narrator: Publisher is found unconcious on floor by empolyee.

  2. Dear Editor,

    Rumor has it that a certain author has submitted a new book well over an hour ago. What is keeping you? Publish already. I expect to be able to download the finished product within the next fifteen minutes (and I’m being generous at that) onto my Nook/Kindle or purchase the hardback version before close of business tonight at my favorite book store.

    Your Ravenous Fans
    p.s. Or things MAY get ugly.

  3. Dear Author,

    When is your next book due out?

    Your Slavering Fans
    p.s. Back to work, you!

  4. Dear Editor,

    Sorry for storming into your offices today with the SWAT team and paramedics. I was concerned due to your lack of response and feared for your safety.

    Apologetic Reader

  5. Steven,

    I can understand you concern. The majority of our industry has gone to 1hr editing as evidence by our lack of appropriate comma usage, confusing dialogue exchanges, incorrect word choices, and 1000+ pages that often go nowhere. However, in light of your rabid fan base who are quick to point out even the slightest variance in your cannon, stretched over your nearly 30 years of writing, I believe it to be imperative to actually READ you content.

    You’ll thank me later.
    Your Editor

  6. I don’t think I want to know what a stretched cannon is. (I’m picturing one of the behemoths from The Guns of Navarone but I’m sure I’m quite off.)

  7. Pete, isn’t there corn in bourbon? Or some kind of grain? So, cereal! Just have it with milk back.

  8. Hang in there, Pete. Now, for me, if I hold off on the bourbon until after noon on a day I sent in a manuscript, I call it a win.

  9. Isn’t any day you send in a manuscript a win regardless of the time and amount of bourbon consumed?

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