In light of the length of your service, we felt that a personalized letter was appropriate. You have been with us for five hundred years, and, though there is much to complain of in your work—as there is in anyone’s—we recognize that you have done good service. Early in your career, you spread democracy, increased human rights, and, above all, built up the productive forces to the point where today no one need to be hungry, or homeless, or without health care. While these activities were accompanied by whole file cabinets full of HR complaints about you (cf colonialism, sexism, racism, &c. &c. &c.), still, they are noteworthy accomplishments, for which you will have our eternal gratitude.
Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. Please understand that the decision to let you go was not made lightly. But the democracy you spread is contracting, the human rights are turning into abuse, more and more people are homeless, fewer can afford health care, the planetary ecology is in imminent danger, and, well, I know you don’t like to talk about it, but there’s the whole war issue, about which we’ve been trying to schedule a meeting with you for eight years. After a thorough discussion, the Department of Basic Human Decency has had no choice but to conclude that your most recent act—the hiring of Donald Trump as manager of our US operations—demonstrates that you are no longer able to address our needs.
I understand that your replacement, socialism, hasn’t been tested, but the resume is outstanding, and after a thorough investigation of all of the objections (which I have to point out we traced to your office, and many of which are libelous to a degree that could be actionable), we believe we can expect outstanding results for some time to come.
Please take with you our sincere thanks for those contributions you have made.
If you aren’t gone by Monday, we will be forced to have security remove you.