Month: September 2014

Everybody’s Makin’ It Big But Me

Okay, first of all, here’s the original.  Written by Shel Silverstein, one of my heroes.

Now, then:

 

George Martin bought a new house just to store his toys.
Dean Koontz has a cellar full of wine he enjoys.
Meyer writes for millions.
I write for two or three.
Oh, everybody’s makin’ it big but me.

Oh, everybody’s makin’ it big but me.
Everybody’s makin’ it big but me.
Rowling drinks Dom Perignon
While I drink Lipton tea.
Everybody’s makin’ it big but me.

Steve King has a mansion with an iron gate
E.L. James in London has a private estate
Jane Yolen has a castle
I can’t pay my dentist fee.
Oh, everybody’s makin’ it big but me.

Oh, Everybody’s makin’ it big but me.
Everybody’s makin’ big but me.
I know from science fiction
And even fantasy
How come everybody’s makin’ it big but me?

I tried to write best sellers like Orson Scott Card
I tried to write like Gaiman but it was much too hard.
I even gave YA a spin
But semi-colons did me in;
Everybody’s makin’ big but me.

Oh, everybody’s makin’ it big but me
Yea, everybody’s makin’ it big but me.
Scott Lynch is on the Times list
John Scalzi’s on TV.
Everybody’s makin’ it big but me.

How to Open a Wine Bottle With a Feather

After reaching my limit of emails that said, “So-and-so wants you to like a page on Facebook,” I finally got around to telling Facebook: STOP SENDING ME EMAIL. NO EMAIL EVER AGAIN. I HATE YOU. Oddly enough, this has resulted in me checking FB more than I used to, and so I saw this there:

“So, odd fan question….I love the Dragaera novels, but I gotta ask: How is a feather used in serving wine? Is it an actual feather, or is there some kind of utensil named that? Is it just dipped in to check the consistency or temperature or something? I’ve tried searching for references and am coming up blank! Maybe it’s just a Dragaeran/Fenarian custom?”

I should let DDB answer this, because he’s the one who first told me about it  But never mind.  It is, in fact, something still done today, in the here and now, with very old bottles of wine (especially port) where one fears the cork has gone rotten. It came up when I was doing early worldbuilding, and decided that Cork Oak doesn’t grow on Dragaera–so what would they do? Cheap wine, of course, is filled with wax plugs. But what do you do with the good stuff? One reasonable answer is: After bottling, you melt the glass on top and seal it that way. But then, how do you open it? Here is the procedure:

Requirements: Ice water, feather, metal tongs (in fact, there are special tongs made for this, called, of course, port tongs), heat source (such as a brazier).

Heat the tongs. A lot. So they’re, like, really really hot.

Hold the tongs to the neck of the wine bottle until very hot.

Dip the feather in the ice water, and quickly circumscribe the neck of the bottle.

Remove the top of the bottle.

Here is a youtube video.

I’m kinda smug at how much of it I got right before seeing the video.

To quote the Flying Karamzov Brothers: And it’s just! that easy.